One thing is for sure we cannot change someone else. It is redundant to say again, but it didn’t click until this week. Regardless of how much you love someone or how much they love you, no one will change for someone else unless they want to. Realizing that we cannot change someone took me a while, even though I was aware of this. But I think the best way we can relate to wanting to change someone is similar to expecting them to be or act a certain way. Let me explain.
When we expect someone to be or act a certain way, we are already creating this hypothetical scenario that they will act the way we want them to. We can also think that they will respond in accordance with the way we want or perhaps reach the same thought as we do. However, if we remove that expectation, we stop assuming that they will be acting in a certain way, and we get to accept them for who they are. Because acceptance, without expectation, is enjoying who they are now without wanting them to do something in the future. Well, this is a general way to see it on my end, but that is one example of how I see expectations. Now, if we want to change someone, that is a similar yet different situation. Because expecting someone to do something is having them act as they do but getting to the same point as you. But wanting to change a person is wanting to make someone act in the same way you do or like someone else to reach the same idea you expect them to. Having someone change is more profound than an expectation. An expectation is something that is yours, that can be changed. It is based on previous experiences, beliefs or thoughts. But wanting to change someone else is getting to the point where you want to change their fundamental and core characteristics, traits and beliefs. That’s why I think sometimes the first step in improving a relationship (that has helped me) is to remove the expectation of wanting someone to be like you or respond in the same way, and then get to the point where we truly accept that the other person is just that - another person. We can’t change something that is not ours or that we don’t truly know or understand. And we usually get frustrated at things we don’t understand, and that is why we try to change it. But wouldn’t it be better to try and change the way we understand things or find different methods rather than getting frustrated? Sometimes we may be triggered by those actions that someone has, and maybe that is why we try and change them. But what if we choose to change our reaction or response to a trigger instead of trying to change someone else? I don’t know, think about it, it has worked for me…
Z.
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