The past few weeks have been quite a rollercoaster of emotions; between trying to understand why the situation transpired, and why I kept on having the recurring painful feelings hoping that I would be able to simply leave it in the past. I found myself at times during the night, doubting myself and questioning why I had allowed certain patterns and behaviours to place me in a situation like that. In those moments, when I was alone, was when I would come across the feelings I was bottling up, sometimes crying myself to sleep or keeping myself awake to not relive that moment again. I felt that I was stuck and that I would not be able to get out of this loophole. However, in one of those moments, I told myself that right now is a perfect time to apply all that I have learned so far in this healing journey of growth and self-discovery. So I brought myself to my journal and started going around in circles, but then I took a pause. I went back to something someone very close (let’s call him L) said to me and that is when the process of healing from such a situation truly began. L told me that I should not be questioning Why it happened, but rather What I can learn from the situation or even What factors led me to be put in a situation like that and how I can come to see the situation for what it is rather than try and go around in circles trying to justify and reason it. They had told me that the last thing I should do in a situation like that is try and find the reasoning behind it or even label it as good or bad, because if not I would find myself in this guilt-trip loophole that would have no end. The second I removed myself from that situation and relived it to see it from a third-person perspective, I found myself seeing the situation for what it was rather than a personal experience where emotions can get in the way and blind us from the truth. I will admit that it was hard to relive a traumatic physical experience, but I felt it was necessary to understand how I could heal from this and not fear it each time I closed my eyes. The moment I began to accept that this was a thing from the past and removed the guilt I was putting on myself, I also began to feel like this experience was a blessing in disguise as it allowed me to understand more of myself and to also reignite this power and strength I had within that I was blocking for so long. I chose to start embracing the emotions as they would come up, allowing myself to be vulnerable and simply feel, or better yet, to be human. I was in this state of peace when I began to just flow with what would be triggered by the memory, sensation, or even references that I came across. I decided to find outlets for my emotions rather than finding excuses to escape them. I reconnected with my love for doing activities such as tennis, yoga, meditation, and writing, but one thing that I also had a chance to do was reconnect with beautiful people who created a safe space so I could express myself freely. Having such a support system, I found myself beginning to answer questions of what occurred more openly so I could also come to realize the things I was still being triggered by, allowing me to take further steps in healing this wound. I will admit that there are still moments that I find myself being brought back to that situation, having nightmares, and being afraid to close my eyes. However, I had another friend tell me after I had said that I was having nightmares and visions about this happening repeatedly, he had turned to me and said: that even though it might be painful to relive those moments, or even have those nightmares, it is just that, nightmares; they aren’t real and you have to be able to separate the two. It may take some time to close your eyes and be at peace even when you sleep, but it is knowing that you are in control right now. I think after I was told that, the next time I experienced reliving that memory again, I was able to see that it was just a vision rather than something that was happening.
I believe that the journey I am on right now has been a blessing in disguise in reconnecting with my inner strength and the fascination of self-discovery. I began to see things differently and understand how powerful the mind is, by being in a place of love rather than fear or anger. I find that I have been having more realizations rather than questions, which brings me peace as I am not going around in circles trying to seek the answers, but allowing myself to just live in the moment and be, and having those messages that I am meant to hear naturally get to me. If there is a takeaway I have had so far, it is the beauty of life and what it has to offer. I have found myself enjoying the little moments more, and feeling more alive as I embrace the daily occurrences as they come, as well as embracing my vulnerability to understand that emotions come in waves and we have control over them rather than our emotions controlling us. The people I have surrounded myself with have been an amazing support and guidance that has permitted me to find peace from this traumatic experience, and also embrace the hope of love and better things that are to come. There is so much to unravel and I have been trying to find the words for each one of these lessons I have learned in the process, which I will share with you as I come across them. I will admit that I feared sharing more of this process because of what others might say, but at the end of the day, who are we (anybody really) to judge someone’s healing process? I think that being able to find the best way to heal yourself - healthily and lovingly - will propel you to discover more of who you truly are, rather than define yourself by the experiences you have gone through. I think that these moments of self-contemplation and self-realization impulse you to create a safe space for yourself and encourage a sense of honesty and trust in your inner strength and love that we deserve to not only give to ourselves and others but to also receive it and embrace it in the purest way possible.
With all of this, I do want to ask, what is the way that you deal with your emotions after you have faced a difficult situation? Do you choose to escape them and hope that they will be forgotten, or do you embrace them and allow them to just be as they appear?
Z.
This is my personal experience and how I have been able to cope and process this situation. But I would like to note that if you are going through similar traumatic experiences, do not hesitate to reach out to get help. This is a crisis hotline you can reach regarding sexual assault in Canada: https://sexualviolencehelpline.ca/
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