What a year! Ups and downs, and all around…
This year has been challenging, but it has allowed me to learn and grow a lot. But the biggest lesson has been learning how to stand up for myself. The person who told me to do so is this amazing man in my life, m. I remember being in a difficult spot several times over the year, and it got to a point where I doubted who I was and where I stood. I questioned whether I was on the right path, or maybe if I was even being my authentic self. But the one thing I did realize the past few days as I went over the ups and downs, I found myself questioning things not for myself, but for others or what they might think of me. I think it is the people pleaser in me, and the unspoken words that led me to believe that I had to do what others expected of me or what they thought was best for me rather than finding who I was and standing on my own to feet to make my own decisions. It was hard when I was at that point where m. I was told that confrontation and standing up for yourself are not the same. I was so afraid of speaking up or saying what was on my mind. I felt as though I wouldn’t be heard, because of the things I was told growing up. And it was facing the triggers and unblocking memories that I didn’t want to face. But when he told me the difference it changed my perspective of things. Confrontation is when you are speaking to the other person expecting their reaction to be what you want it to be, but then realizing that they may respond with anger and accepting the fact that there is no need to fight to speak your truth or your opinion. The fear of confrontation - my god -, is something that I wanted to work on but didn’t know how or didn’t even want to accept it. But when he told me what it meant to stand up for yourself, it changed the way I looked at how to speak up for yourself and say what is on your mind. Standing up for yourself means that if you speak your truth and your opinion, you know that you are expressing your beliefs, ideas and thoughts which are the values that you have. Standing up for yourself meant knowing your worth and literally where you stand. If you know that what you are doing is best for you, then there is no need for confrontation. If you speak up, then whatever the other person does, it is not up to you and you cannot control their reaction. But when you stand your ground, you find who you are and where you stand. The moment I started standing up for myself, was when I stopped feeling the need to please others constantly out of fear of how they would react. And I must say, to hear that wasn’t easy, but fuk, it sure helped.
But as this year comes to a close, so do many doors. The things we used to do because we thought were right for us may not be the case anymore. The thoughts we have may change over time and that is okay. The way we see things and accept them for what they are allows us to stop finding the need to constantly control them with the weight on our shoulders to try and fix them. What isn’t ours is not meant for us to control, it is meant for us to learn and to grow. We must take an opportunity like a new beginning to choose to change. And change is a choice, and it requires patience, tolerance, and love towards yourself. It may not be easy at times, but if we start being kinder to ourselves, we may find it a bit easier to deal with sh*t.
So, as I am soon heading to celebrate the close of many doors and the opening of several others, I invite you to embrace this new beginning as a way to start the journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. It is time to find that respect and love within ourselves and be kind to others, as we all have fuked up sh*t to deal with. So let’s just take it easy this year…
Z.
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