What do you consider vulnerability? What do you define as being weak? Are they two different things? Is it when you show your true colours? Is it when you stop trying to be someone you are not and show how you truly feel and think? What is vulnerability has two sides to it? What if one side is superficial and the other is what we only experience ourselves?
I mean, think about it. When we say that we are vulnerable, we sometimes mean that we are hurting physically or emotionally. What about the side of vulnerability where we are scared to show how we have become so good at pretending and lying to others to think we are the complete opposite?
I remember a few months ago when I was in almost total isolation and did not know who to turn to. But in a way, that sense of isolation allowed me to see how much I had pretended to be okay when in reality, I wasn’t. I realized that when I was alone, I was in a position where I could genuinely share how I felt, and the only person who would be in a position to judge me would be me. But that is exactly it; if I was the only person who would be the judge of how I felt, I could decide how harsh or comforting I was. However, as I learned how to deal with this somehow, I also realized that I relied so much on the time I spent on my own to face my emotions that I would be scared to do so and would avoid spending time alone. So, the problems I faced had become just a shape of a puzzle piece without the image and would send me on a spiral to figure out what it was related to. And because I didn’t want to face what it was, more and more pieces without images that would connect and create the puzzle would appear. These problems started to bottle up and made me feel a sense of sadness and pain, and I just wanted to throw them on a pile and forget they were even there. However, by doing that, whenever I would go on with my day, I subconsciously knew they were still there, and it would remind me that I still had those negative emotions. But the more I avoided them, the bigger they became. But I had learnt how to mask them when I was out with friends, and I would lie to myself by saying that I had some things going on, and sometimes even talk about the problems so that I would trick myself into thinking that I was solving my shit, even if I wasn’t. I like to call this superficial vulnerability. The state in which you trick yourself into thinking that you are allowing yourself to face your problems by bringing them up once in a while but not facing them head-on. Now, I know that that was a bit of a long explanation, but let me briefly explain the other side of vulnerability. I believe that true vulnerability comes from that sense of complete transparency. The moment you express yourself truthfully when you are alone and if you are with someone you trust. And being vulnerable to others is a lot more complicated because it shows what we may consider our biggest weakness. But displaying that side of vulnerability and being bluntly transparent, at least with yourself, is when you start to let go and release. You begin freeing yourself from that pain and anger you have been holding onto. It is hard to do because we have become so used to hiding and convincing ourselves that we can choose a new costume to wear every time we leave the house and act according to it. But what if we just become naked and ourselves (I am not saying to leave the house without clothes, just to stop thinking so much about what others might say if you decide to show who you are, which comes with being vulnerable)?
So, I invite you to take time for yourself and go beyond the surface of vulnerability. Allow yourself to peel the layers of the onion and embrace the emotions you feel, both positive and negative. Because at the end of the day, it is a healing process, and healing comes with patience and willingness - oh! and being vulnerable.
Z.
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