Why do we hide our hurt? Why do we hide our pain? Why do we rather suffer in silence than talk about it and communicate how we really feel? Why is it hard to be honest about our emotions? Are we embarrassed by them? Why do we hold onto it? Better yet, why do we store it and let it bottle up? These past few weeks have been hectic. I didn’t really feel that I finished High School, and in a month or two, I will be off to another country to start university. I didn’t seem to realize nor conclude that this stage of my life, this chapter, has ended. Not only was it that, but the thought of leaving is also kind of coming to my head more often because the countdown has started. It is very exciting, yet I am somehow leaving everything behind, the last eleven years of my life in a country that I moved to when I was only a kid. The places, the people, the moments I will be storing it in a memory box and placing it somewhere in my mind. It is similar to when we take a bunch of pictures and put them into an album and haven’t seen it in years, and all of a sudden, you find it once again, and you look at all those pictures; yeah, that’s the feeling. That smile you put on your face because of all those memories, yet the mellow sadness we have inside, we want to shed a tear because we will not relive it anymore. Oh my, that sounds sad… It doesn’t have to be.
However, what I meant by writing all of this was that I didn’t deal with it. I didn’t face the fact that I am sad and hurt, and I haven’t faced all those emotions. I came to the realization today that I haven’t truly accepted that I would have this big change, and, well, as you can imagine, I did store up those emotions and didn’t really face them. Why? Because I wanted to act tough and mature in the sense that I am strong enough to face that change, and if I were to cry, I would be a little girl once again. Now, why would I do that to myself? It was as if I was indirectly hurting myself and needed to get to a point where everything just added up, and a countdown has started in my head to figure out that I have that pain and I need to deal with it. I have yet to fully accept those negative emotions, which are completely fine. On the other hand, I have yet to accept that I just need to let it go sometimes and stop bottling it up. It is like I want to hurt myself. And I just realized something, this pain that we think we put off for a while and then adds up until the end, and we explode in tears, is a reflection on how we see our temporary pleasure and long-term satisfaction. Putting off that pain temporarily is similar to eating that chocolate bar when we want to lose weight. We think that we will feel great after it, which may be the case, but as we continuously do it, we end up accustoming ourselves to that and ending with the result we didn’t want.
So, why do that? Why allow ourselves to go through that hurt and pain subconsciously to realize that we never actually dealt with it until we are faced with it once again? I invite you to deal with those emotions the moment you know you have them. Write them down, say it out loud, or simply meditate and ponder in those thoughts of yours and come to a solution on how to deal with it and what it is that you can learn from it.
Z.
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