Silent Thoughts

The other day my brother said something that got me thinking: friends that are scared to speak what they feel.

Why is it that we can say whatever we want with no filter to some people, while with others, we have to remain silent and allow the other person to have a long-lasting monologue? We can be daring of what we say to some friends we have, and it is maybe because we are comfortable around them, but then again, we have our secrets. However, until what point is a friendship considered comfortable enough to speak freely without feeling judged? What is viewed as a secret to keep from them if you are comfortable enough to say anything? We go on and on in our heads being afraid of what the other might think when we don’t even have it clear enough what we feel for ourselves. It is like having this close friend of yours, and you tell them everything, literally everything. You start feeling nervous when you are around them because you start developing feelings, and suddenly you don’t know what to say anymore. Why? Perhaps you start thinking about what the other person might be pondering after saying what you want to say. I know this may sound redundant and repetitive. Still, it is like the overthinking, mental masturbation we go through in our heads that we have yet to find that skill to control our thoughts even if we meditate and clear our mind. What is genuinely governing our bodies and even our heads is the feelings we have. We are scared to get hurt, but we are still human, and we want to feel. We want to get some answers, but we always look for them even if we know the consequence. It is an endless cycle of draining thoughts we have that exist and can reach the point of being uncontrollable.

I will tell you something about myself that may or not be good. When I feel the need to express myself to remove that feeling of constant questioning of whether I should or should not say it, I say it - I have started to write it down instead because the outcome is not expected. So, I’ll tell you a story. I once had this crush on a guy, and he had a crush on me; it was obvious, like literally, everybody knew. I decided not to wait any longer and told him in class and felt fearless. But then, I did not get the answer I wanted, which was him admitting that he felt the same way. So he went on and spread a rumour about me, and it was shattering. Luckily, I realized I deserved better, and the outcome of that realization that I didn’t and shouldn’t wait for someone who thought so little of me compared to what I felt about him. I have told a few other guys in previous years - not anymore because I learnt my lesson -, and it honestly has been a constant learning session of what should and shouldn’t be said, what should be kept silent, and what should be spoken.

What I learnt from this experience, which seems so belittled, is that you can think, say, do whatever you want, and expect another person to react in a way you want. But the fuk’d up truth is that you never will know what the other person is thinking, because you are not in their head, mind, body, whatever you want to call it. We can spend hours and hours going on in our heads, thinking about the way we feel, but since we don’t know what the other person is thinking or how the other person will react, that is what is truly frightening. But why are we afraid? Because by the end of the day, everybody has a different reaction, among people, and even among ourselves. We can’t expect the other person to react in the way we want because we will always question somebody’s reaction. It is like the way we see our bodies; we see our friendships, or anything else. If we are not okay with our thoughts, are we really okay and confident enough with ourselves?

Z.