“Resistance, by definition, is self-sabotage.”- Steven Pressfield ( The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win)
Self-harm and self-sabotage come in many ways: eating disorders, alcohol consumption, surrounding yourself by toxic people, negative self-talk or even hurting yourself physically. Something provokes those actions, and you will keep on harming yourself until you face the real reason you started hurting yourself. Sometimes we don’t even damage ourselves because of our problems, but because of the problems of other people that we consider our own.
When you look at yourself in the mirror, you don’t see yourself, you see the image you portray, you see the exterior, the book cover, but you don’t see the written chapters and the missing chapter that will be filled in soon. Unless you want to see the image that you desire, you have to go deeper within yourself and ask: what is going on with me? The memories you’ve had, the best and worst moments that you have lived... feeling those emotions. Go back to where you were one year ago and tell yourself all the awful things that you have gone through and have lived, and everything that you have learnt from those experiences. What is the advice that you would give to the person you were one year ago from all those terrible, awful, unfortunate events that you went through? What’s the reason you hurt yourself? Why did you want to suffer? What is it that you don’t want to face?
I, personally, harmed myself for not wanting other people to hurt me because I didn’t want to feel that awful pain that other people describe as a heartbreak or a feeling of grief when you have lost someone. I didn’t want to be vulnerable, and I didn’t want to feel what others felt. Or at least what others explained to me, so I did it to myself. I used words that I thought people were too scared to tell me, even though I knew they weren’t true. I called myself ugly, fat, not worthy, not enough, a disappointment, not capable of loving, not smart enough... and the list goes on. You may not think that those words will hurt you, but you will shatter at some point and burst into tears; if you allow it to happen, if you allow yourself to feel.
I admit that I have harmed myself physically and emotionally, I won’t say how, but I did, and trust me, it’s not worth it. I am fortunate to be surrounded by people that care about me, but I used to think that no one did. I used to feel alone and that no one would ever feel the same, as if no one could understand me. However, the fuk’d up truth is that no one will ever understand what you went through because everybody is different, everybody has their own sh*t, and everybody has their own way of healing (even though some methods aren’t always the best). But the moment you realize that your problems are like no other and that other people feel the same way, you will help yourself heal, and you will help others.
(If you or someone you know is going through something difficult, or struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, you're not alone. Helplines can provide free, confidential and immediate support)
ZR
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