As some may know, if you have been reading my articles, the beginning of this year was emotional for me. I was in a new country with an opportunity to have a fresh start. That new beginning clearly came with challenges, such as learning how to be on my own and getting out of my comfort zone to take advantage of this opportunity. And looking back, I have had a 180-degree shift. I have great friends, have learnt so much, and could not be more grateful for the memories I have made. And I did not realize how much had happened or changed in my life until a few days ago when I arrived in the country where I grew up. I now feel like I have two homes, one being my family and the other my chosen family.
However, if I am being honest, as I wrote last week in my article, coming back to the place where I grew up, I was faced with nostalgic emotions and some reopened wounds. It triggered me, just having the memories of specific places or hearing the names of certain people. And I don’t want to say that I have avoided it, but when you are far, dealing with the situation is very different than when you are directly affected by that problematic situation. As much as I wanted to act strong when I arrived and prove that I have grown as much as I did, my mom reminded me that it is okay to allow yourself to be vulnerable with resurfacing wounds is okay. I wanted to act like I was okay and like the past months had changed who I was and had gotten over certain triggers. But when I decided just to let it go and let it out and accept that it did hurt to feel those emotions and also to know that it was okay to feel what I felt, it felt like a relief.
Regardless, what helped were the memories I made in the past months and the people in my life. To realize that I have changed and grown and that the place where I grew up is only part of who I am and not all of me. To know that these are not the only memories I have anymore, that I have been able to shift who I was and how I was feeling, and reconnect with who I truly am.
I will say that even if you are in a place that may seem like hell and will always stay the same, trust me when I say it gets better. Just because you move to another country, it doesn’t mean that your past will be forgotten because you can never escape it. Places, people and experiences help us become who we are, but we decide to take that step and make that first change, to learn that lesson and to keep on going even if we feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. We will have triggers throughout our life, but it helps us realize how we react to them and how we deal with them, allowing us to become aware of what we want to work on. If we are triggered and want to act tough, that’s fine, but also know that being vulnerable is also an option. Knowing that our memories can still affect how we feel will allow us to question why they still affect us. However, I want you to remember that life will give you ups and downs, challenges and lessons, and memories that will make you smile or cry, but it is all part of our journey of becoming who we are and finding who we are meant to be.
Z.
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