I think one of the things that allows you to stay true to yourself and grounded is the understanding of the importance of detachment. In the sense of detaching yourself from the things you have no control over, and choosing what you want to control and what you simply want to let go. One of the things that we so easily get attached to is expectations. Expectations of people, things, or even the reactions and triggers of others and ourselves. However, the thing we have to understand of how to detach by separating ourselves from whatever else is happening, even if it is a thought that goes through our mind.
I have recently become too attached to a label and idea of how things are and how things should be out of fear that things will turn out for the worse rather than the better. It is because the things that have been recurring in my life have been a bit upside down, and even if I have learned the lessons, I got to a point where I wanted to give up on myself as a way to rebel against the situations that were going on. However, the thing that I had yet to truly realize until today, something that I had been forcing myself too much to get back to and I finally surrendered to get the answer, was to get back to me. But the me that is authentic and unique, and the one who loves to talk and listen, and question things around me. I realized until last night speaking to a very good friend of mine that I had not been myself lately, that something was off. And coming from someone else, it struck something in me to make me realize that I was not myself. I would tell myself that I loved myself even though it was not entirely true because I still placed expectations on myself. But, I also realized that I had gotten to the point where I gave so much of myself up to please those around me out of fear of not being loved that I lost myself in the process. I got myself tormented with hopes of others seeing me a certain way and trying so hard to put a mask on so no one knew exactly what was going on. However, I have to tell you that I am a really bad liar and I am not great at being fake (or putting on a mask). So, for the past few months, I have been wearing this mask to cover how I felt and what was going on out of fear of people judging and looking at me differently or whatever the reason. The thing is that I limited myself so much to the point where that mask covered me and I felt lost once again. However, we can say that there is a bright side to losing yourself, is that you get to find yourself again… and this time without a mask or a facade.
The thing we trying to impress people or have others have an idea of you is that you may be liked, but a question I heard recently was: is it that important to be liked even if that means losing who you are?
I am back on track for this healing journey to reconnect with my authentic self, and I will bring you along, even if it means sharing the darker aspects of things that we do not usually talk about. But hey! I did call it the fuk’d up truth for a reason… But I am making a promise to myself and you that I will do my very best to throw the mask away, allow myself to be me, and remove expectations for anything and everything.
Z.
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