We are put in situations where we are meant to face triggers, traumas, and the opportunity to change old patterns. It is difficult at times to come to realize that the things that are happening to us are happening, and it might not be the best thing to accept that we have not yet truly dealt with this trauma or trigger. However, I think the moment we realize that we are dealing with it, we are also given the option to choose to learn from it and break the cycle or continue in this toxic pattern. To do this, it takes the willingness to truly accept that there is a pattern and a cycle that must be broken.
I was put into a situation that made me realize that I was in a toxic relationship. I did not want to accept it because I was driven by the illusion and the good memories that we had shared. I was in a relationship where the ideas, illusions, or memories were more exciting than the reality. I had this constant hope that things would go back to the way they were or would become the things for which I had hoped. I continued to try to reignite the spark by trying different approaches or even putting more effort into gifts or presence, but it was not enough. However, I would have continued to try to put myself second if it had not been for the time we had spent apart, and I found my strength and self-love once again. It was not until we reencountered that I realized that I was putting myself second for quite some time. I was in a situation where I realized that it was not only me who was putting myself second, but it was the other person as well. No matter the state of discomfort I was in at that last moment, it kept on going and I was too scared to say more than a few times to stop, for him not to realize that I was in pain. I was in a situation where I felt stuck, and the only thing I felt I could do was numb myself until it ended. The only thing that they did was ask if it was less painful, not stop completely. I had not realized what had happened until a day or two had gone by and I still felt restless. And it took me a week or so to truly understand what had just occurred. I was too scared to admit it to myself, but once I did, I reminded myself of that strength and love that I had reignited in me, to speak up and stop whatever illusion I had and put an end to it. I wanted to convince myself that what had just happened was not real, or that the pain I felt was just pain and not something that was caused by someone else. I realized that if I had allowed myself to just forget what had happened, I would have continued in this toxic and unhealthy cycle. That love and worth that I had reconnected with while that person was away was something that allowed me to take that step forward to put myself first and break that pattern. It took a lot for me to speak up about it, especially to confront that person. However, I gave myself the chance to believe in myself and the decision I took, knowing that it would be the best thing for me. As hard as it was to go through what I went through, I was able to find myself again and my voice. I had a gut feeling that things were not right, and other people told me as well, and I did not want to admit it to myself. I was too scared to accept that bad things were happening, but unfortunately, it took this situation to realize how bad it was. Taking advantage of someone, no matter what state they are in, if someone says to stop or they say “no” one must stop immediately, not assume that it is what the other person wanted or even if it hurts less. I realized that the power one must have to make that choice to stop things, maybe not at that moment, but afterwards takes a lot. It takes courage, acceptance, and self-forgiveness to truly take a step to voice things and confront them. But one thing that I did learn from this is that no matter how many times you give someone a chance if they do not change or consider what you have clearly expressed, do not expect them to. Not only is it removing that expectation, but to follow your intuition and gut feeling and truly being in tune with yourself. We, unfortunately, allow ourselves to get carried away by expectations and illusions, and we blind ourselves, it may sometimes mean taking a step back to truly detach and assess the situation to see the person for who they are. I am thankful for the memories, for the growth, for allowing love to discover a part of myself and for allowing myself to be able to fall in love. I am thankful for being able to take that step to get to know the beauty within a person, for embracing it and not wanting to give up, and also for getting to truly know someone else. We may not want to give up on someone else, but at times the best way to show the love you have for them and to know that you won't give up on that beautiful being that they are is from a distance. I am thankful for having lived what I lived, for being able to also see the beauty in them even if it was dark, and for having hope each time for a brighter side to be shown. I think that the moment we realize how great some memories are and the feelings we experience with them are the ones that we also realize are not with us anymore, and taking a step back and just staying with the good of something is better than with nothing at all. I am thankful that I was able to step aside and also accept that at times we are blinded by reality and don't want to see the darkness, but it is okay, it is normal. I can only be thankful to have lived what I lived, to continue to grow and learn in the way that I do, and to simply embrace life as it is the greatest teacher.
So, if there is anything that I can give back to you that I have learned, ask yourself if illusions and expectations are driving you or are being true and honest with yourself. And if you are being true to yourself do not be scared to speak up and confront that person or accept a situation, no matter how difficult it may be. To put ourselves first does not mean not caring for someone else, it simply means that we are also choosing to care more for ourselves. Remembering to love yourself first over anything, because regardless of who you are with or where you are, you are the one who always has your back and has the freedom to make a choice.
Z.
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