You know, we confuse this thing about the healing process with thinking that we will be perfectly fine after dealing with only one thing. But first of all, what does it mean to be perfect? How do we define what perfect is? Can we say that we always know how to be happy? And even if we did know how to be happy all the time, would we still want to feel the other emotions?
Right now, I am in this state of mind where I am willing to work on these different aspects of myself. From dealing with a narcissistic parent, deciding to stop drinking at twenty, and supporting myself financially, there is a big part of me that just wants this healing process to be over. There is a part of me that does not want to keep on facing these triggers or breaking vicious patterns. However, when I started this journey, the first thing was to accept and acknowledge what happened and to choose to make a difference, but with acceptance comes vulnerability. Being vulnerable is one of the most strengthening things one can do, yet it has an opposite feeling, where we feel weak and fragile. But let’s move on to when we have started our journey of healing and self-betterment.
As we face obstacles and realize things we were blinded by, we realize that we have not faced everything we have had to. One of the things I recently found myself doing was beating myself down because I didn’t want to show vulnerability for how much I had worked on. I felt like I was going to look like a failure and weak, and also ashamed and embarrassed for feeling like I knowingly caught myself again in the loop even if it was unconscious. But the beautiful thing about life, as I mentioned in my last article, it is a handbook of how we deal with situations and how we can choose to react to future ones. Being triggered is something that happens daily, and it is something that we cannot always control. However, as I told a friend of mine the other day, the bigger obstacles in life - close relationships, patterns, trauma - are the tests that we must go through; but the smaller obstacles - everyday interactions, small situations that are frustrating, etc. - are the ones that prepare us for those tests. I can’t say that it is easy to face these challenges, especially if we haven’t accepted that we might face them every day and allow them to accumulate with time. That is why we probably react the way we do when a test comes along, we may be taking advantage of these smaller obstacles to learn how to deal with the bigger ones, or we may simply avoid them and procrastinate practicing how to handle smaller tasks to then not know how to perform in the bigger task.
I challenge you to take advantage of these smaller tasks to grow and become stronger and more wary of handling the tests we are faced with.
Z.
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