There is this idea that I have been struggling with for quite some time. I assumed that what I had gone through, the struggles and the challenges I would face were things that I would have to share, hoping to relate to other people to talk about. But the thing with this approach is wanting others to understand what you had gone through, assuming they had experienced it as well. But this idea is beating yourself down because you are simply finding more reasons to justify or explain your story but from the victim's lense; as though you subconsciously wanted them to experience what you had experienced, which is not the best. However, the thing is also when you are trying to explain your story or a situation you had, and you already expect an answer in return. You expect people to react a certain way, as though you would like for them to mirror your response. But this idea of expecting others to understand stops you from opening up to simply being and telling your story without justification, untold parts of the story, or simply telling too much to have or get the reaction you want. You try to maneuver your way around your own story to find the perfect parts, characters, and things to say to make a story sound good. I don’t necessarily think it is intentional unless you are aware of it. I recently became aware of it, as I was continuously telling a story, convincing myself of that one version that occurred. But sometimes, you also have to change the view of how you tell a story or listen to yourself speak enough times to question if what you are saying is you or just a side of you that wants to be convinced of a narrative.
A few days ago I started to question this concept or idea because I was seeing repeated patterns and I was getting tired of them. Clearly, it cannot be changed entirely from one day to the next, but a shift can start. This narrative that I was telling myself had to stop, the dialogue had to be changed and I had to willingly take the first step. But the thing about shifts is that no one tells you about the first moments when you question, doubt or feel like you were living this illusion because you had lost this sense of self in the process of becoming the narrative instead of telling it. Just like an actor plays a role that they studied for, we do as well in our lives. We choose the characters we want to be based on the narrative we want to tell the world. However, the story we give out is interpreted differently by each person. And there is this sense of wanting to be understood because we want to also find this recognition and validation for who we have convinced ourselves to be. But, why do we want others to understand a lie (maybe not a lie) or story we have told? And if we can choose to tell the story we want of our lives, why do say the things we say of the experiences we have had?
Just like an actor who plays a role in a movie and delves into character, the story is also like an abstract painting that people look at and give a different meaning to based on what they see. So if we put these two analogies into account, why do we continue to expect others to understand exactly who we are and how we feel, or even what we have lived? If each person has their own story, how do we expect them to see the same picture or painting as us? I believe that it is not understanding that we have to expect but acceptance, or maybe openness to simply listen. The acceptance starts within, but for those whom we tell a story, who might disagree or give their perspective on it, there lays a common ground somehow, which eventually leads to acceptance of the people whom we surround ourselves with. I think acceptance comes also from being willing to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and empathize with who the other person is. Empathizing is compassion, compassion for another person's feelings and vulnerability, which can be hard to understand at times. But if we were to put aside the trying part and we were simply there, it would be much easier to just show this side of empathy with the other party.
Now, the hard part of starting to do this is doing it with yourself. Being vulnerable and showing self-compassion and empathy for what you have gone through is the first step. It is the acceptance of one’s story, one’s true story which I will begin to share with more in the upcoming articles.
Z.
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