So, I have to be honest, there is no other way to write this blog…
For the past couple of weeks, I have not been feeling myself; I have felt disassociated from my reality. I don’t know if you know what disassociation means, but in the way I have experienced it (more than once), it’s when you feel like you are living a vivid dream and you’re on autopilot. You feel as though you are walking on the street as an observer and also feel like you are in slow-motion. And what happens when you feel this way? You just want to sleep, hoping to wake up from that dream. I don’t mean to say it is a nightmare, but everything feels surreal.
And when this started happening, I was with someone who reminded me of a part of my past that wounded me, and I just didn’t want to feel the way I felt at that moment. So, I put up a wall and created a shield so I would feel protected. However, the more I started feeling like I was in that past sensation and reliving certain memories, I wanted to just dig myself and know that my past, in a way, couldn’t find me. But regardless of how much or how deep you dig yourself into the ground, the more you feel fixated on your thoughts and the emotions you resent and restrict from your life in the present. It is as though the more you try and escape something, the bigger the snowball will get and the faster it will come rolling towards you.
However, after a b*tch slapping session and talking with my mom, I did a sort of meditation and visualization where you breathe in and breathe out and dig yourself out of the ground. But, I wanted to change that visualization and make it into something less forceful, more grounding and graceful. Instead of wanting to dig yourself out of your past, you accept it, and you decide to flourish and become this new version of yourself with the knowledge of your past. It is no longer escaping it but accepting it for what it is and appreciating it for helping you be where you are now.
So, I invite you, if you ever feel stuck, fixated, or even claustrophobic in a certain situation, just picture yourself blooming into something beautiful. Because even something as dirty as dirt can be helpful for the nourishment of a simple seed.
Z.
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