I often think that my past has helped me become who I am, but what part of it exactly? Was it every experience or specific turning points that led me to aha moments? Or maybe even the realizations I had after certain obstacles or challenges I went through that helped me grow? I honestly can’t say. However, I started reading this book called The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. It talks about how one can change and how it is possible. The book got me thinking about how trauma is inexistent, and we simply put a name to how we negatively feel in the present as an excuse not to change who we are and justify our actions. It may come out as a harsh interpretation, and I may not entirely believe what it says, but part of it is true. All of us go through situations and experience problems in our life, which is normal. But then again, have we also normalized having traumas? Okay, I may exaggerate or go offhand with my thoughts. But what if our perception of the world is based on how we see our past? What if the way we go into a relationship is with the idea that it has to be the same as someone else’s? Or what if we put a due date for when we have to complete a chapter in our life, like graduation, marriage, or getting a job?
All these thoughts led me to one last question: what if the trauma we experience and the way we react to things and justify our actions are merely because of us repeating the things we went through and believing the stories we have made to the point where we can’t even be ourselves and decide to be stuck in the past because we are afraid to change and experience the unknown? It’s a long question, but it may or may not be true. But, I do have to admit that a few days ago, I caught myself being on this loophole of a story I had been repeating to myself for years, and I realized that I was subconsciously making myself stuck in my past. I wanted to shift when I realized that being on a loophole doesn’t get you anywhere. And what helped me start another part of my journey was accepting that I cannot change my past, but simply accepting that the situation already happened, learning from it and forgiving myself for not being in the state of consciousness I am in now. It is not an easy process. We fall in too deep, and coming back to the now and deciding to live in the present is hard. We want to find a solution to something that happened because we believe that if we can change our past, we can change ourselves. But why would we want to change who we are? What if we had to go through the things we went through to become who we are now?
So, as hard as it is, I invite you to start forgiving yourself for putting yourself in a position where you were sabotaging the life you are living now to find a solution to something that has already happened and cannot be changed. I invite you to let go of your past and accept that it happened. And if you want to change your past because you think it is affecting your present, start by wanting to accept your current situation and work from there. Start by focusing on the things you want to obtain and allow yourself to let go of those subconscious blockages you’ve created because of the stories you have been telling yourself that have simply been hurting you. And remember that during this whole process, the most important thing is, to be honest with yourself.
Z.
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