Sometimes we don’t like to accept our reality because we rather be blinded by the truth than face it head-on.
These past weeks, maybe months by now, I have been in this state of displacement and derealization (dpdr) - where it felt like everything was surreal and not the way it was. And when this happens, it tends to be because we are in denial of our reality, our actuality. After all, it may be because we do not want to face whatever is going on. But let me tell you one thing… if you are going through a moment of derealization and depersonalization, where everything feels surreal, it gets better, I promise you. Allow me to give you a bit more explanation and context…
For some time, there would be periods where the feeling of dpdr would last a few days because I was simply exhausted, could not get a good night's sleep, and was just numb from most of the things that were going on around me. It began when I had to make a change that I did not want to make and did not feel prepared. Because my plans did not turn out as I wanted them to, things started to go downhill. The whole time I was trying to convince myself that I was fine, lying to myself so I feel good about the situation (as you would do to a little kid when they are feeling upset or sad - that is what I was doing with myself). However, as things began to come up, one thing after another, I continued to avoid them and deny their mere existence, trying to see the good in all of what was going on. But funny enough, we sometimes confuse seeing the good in things with lying to ourselves about the situation (and it has nothing to do with being pessimistic or optimistic but being realistic). When I did decide to start working on myself instead of focusing on everything that was going on around me, I began to notice how things were once again and started to realize that things weren’t exactly sunshine and rainbows. And the whole fuking time I was telling myself that there was nothing I wanted to deny and everything was fine just the way it was. However, a core part affecting how I was feeling was intensely triggered a few days ago, and it wasn’t until then that I realized that was the cherry on top. And unfortunately, the feelings have to get to a point where we simply cannot handle them and want to stop feeling that way. Sometimes it may not even be to manage our feelings, but it can be that we are tired of seeing the same pattern and want to change it.
This article is not about sadness or pain, it is about hope and the joy of feeling such relief when we finally realize what has been causing so much emotion and discomfort. We may not want to realize that we are suffering or that we are in pain because we don’t want to accept the cause of it. Because the cause may be something that we have yet to deal with that we have to face or accept. And it isn’t only that we have to accept this reality, it is also accepting that we may be internalizing more than we should and externalizing this fakeness that we don’t even realize because we have been able to mask it so well for everyone to see that we are okay unless we say otherwise. Lastly, I can say from experience that we can decide that we want a change from one day to the next, but we won’t entirely change from one day to the next. It takes time, patience, and putting in the effort to see progress, just like anything. But not only that, you have to get up when you feel down, keep on going when you don’t feel like it, and keep on having a sense of hope that things will work out for the better and that things do happen for a reason.
Z.
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