There are times when we wish we could know the answers, and others when we wish we knew nothing. We go through our younger years of life, figuring out what we want and what we don’t want. However, we put tremendous pressure on ourselves trying to act like an adult when we just got out of our parents' house. We want to know the ways of the world and be the best version of ourselves. But one can only work with the other if we are open to learning that it is okay to fail and that it is okay to want to try things.
How do we want to know the answers to who we are if we have yet to experience everything that we have to experience? Isn’t that the beauty of life? Life is a mystery, and we cannot just say that we are going to settle for what is right in front of us because we never know what might happen next. And as scary as it is not to know, it is beautiful and amazing how much we can learn from accepting and admitting that we may know nothing. I think being in a position where we allow ourselves to learn, we are allowing ourselves to just live.
If I am being honest, I have been fixated on trying to be someone I am not or trying to be the version I thought I needed to be. I got into this rabbit hole, digging, and digging for information to try and understand things that were just meant to be accepted. It took me a while to realize what I was doing. But this thing that we do to ourselves, putting such a big amount of pressure to do things and be someone without taking all the necessary steps, we are sabotaging ourselves. We want to stick to what is familiar, but still learn new things. We want to be comfortable in a new situation without expecting or assuming that we would have to change. But life is about constant changes and accepting that things aren’t always going to go as planned. There are moments when I put myself in a situation that reminds me of triggers or the past, thinking that I have grown out of it when I did not even give myself time to process it. And because I do not process it entirely, it shows up differently. And the thing with self-sabotage is that we subconsciously do it purposefully.
But to what point do we have to get to stop sabotaging ourselves? I started reading a few articles these past weeks, trying to understand why I am sabotaging myself in the way that I do. And it is nothing other than wanting to stay in the same position because of the comfort, or it is also because we don’t give ourselves the love that we need to receive. But these are topics that I have to go in-depth about. And I haven’t been that active because of this rabbit hole I put myself in. But it is time to get out of it and be me again. I think writing these articles and expressing how I feel as though I am an observer of my life, gives me an understanding of who and what I want to be and do.
So, I invite you to give yourself some love and to be there for yourself.
Z.
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