The more I go into this journey of self-love and healing myself, I realize some triggers and patterns that I had created and that I am now choosing to break. I find myself in a state of mind where I catch myself right after I say or do habitual things that have become toxically ordinary. I had found a way of behaving and reacting to things so impulsively that I had not given myself a chance to stop, step back and observe my behaviour. And it is so easy for us to look at others, understand their behaviour, and pinpoint some reactions they have, but when it comes to doing that for ourselves it is like grabbing a mirror and seeing someone we don’t even recognize. As hard as it is to see that reflection of unhealthy patterns we created, it is also a wake-up call to get us to start acting and reacting differently.
This week, I chose to break a vicious cycle and a toxic relationship as a way to end the pattern that had been going on for quite some time. It wasn’t until after a phone call that I took a step back to see my behaviour and how I was reacting that I chose to understand it better and dissect the situation or where it was rooting from. It wasn’t difficult to realize this pattern, but it was difficult to accept how it made me feel and take that step to change the pattern and end it.
Not only is it difficult to take that step to change something we have become accustomed to, but it is also taking the step to grieve it. When I mean to grieve a cycle or pattern, I mean taking the time to acknowledge the impact it had on you, forgiving yourself and the pattern as it allowed you to grow, but also allowing yourself to realize that you were in that cycle and were not able to get out of it because you did not have the tools at the time or were not aware you had them.
As I was talking with someone the other day, ending a vicious cycle is like cutting an addiction, like alcohol. Sometimes you have to understand that you have to remove it entirely from your life, with no excuse - not even a sip - not to be tempted to go back, no matter how much you think you are capable of not reacting and behaving in the pattern you used to be in. And because it is addictive, it is so tempting to go back and just do it all over again just to have that one moment. But, sometimes, we must take that step to stop ourselves from returning to that cycle even if we face some triggers.
The patterns that surround us, regardless of where it stems from, are triggers that allow us to have a chance to shift and switch our reactions. Remember what I said in a previous article about everyday lessons that allow us to pass the test? Well, it is exactly that. Maybe everything we go through is for a reason, and it is a way to challenge us to find the best and most authentic version of ourselves through breaking these cycles and patterns. Maybe we are given these chances to find our way back to ourselves. So, why don’t we give ourselves a chance to take a step back and observe our behaviours and know where they are rooting from?
Z.
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